by Cheryl Pope

I wish:

  • I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
  • I hadn’t worked so hard.
  • I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
  • I had stayed in touch with my friends.
  • I had let myself be happier.

These were the most common regrets people expressed to Bronnie Ware, a palliative care worker in Australia who tended to the needs of the dying. Her discussions were so impactful that she wrote a book about her experiences called “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying” to help shine a light on the importance of addressing these issues while there is still time.

Research shows that connection with others can be just as important to physical and mental health as exercise and healthy eating. Sadly, most people aren’t great at setting boundaries, which can deprive one of a sense of balance, happiness and connection to others, resulting in regrets.

Brene Brown is a professor and author who has focused her work on understanding vulnerability, trust and leadership. This includes interviewing people on these and related topics.

Not surprisingly, when she asked people why they hesitated to set boundaries, the top reason was, “I don’t want to make people mad, disappoint others or make them stop liking me.” The second reason was, “I don’t know how to set boundaries without sounding selfish or unlikeable.”

Interestingly, Brown also discovered that the most compassionate people set the most boundaries. In her book “Atlas of the Heart,” she writes, “Boundaries are a prerequisite for compassion and empathy. We can’t connect with someone unless we’re clear about where we end and they begin.”

People often feel the need to apologize or justify when setting a boundary. They don’t. Likewise, it’s not the job of others to make someone feel better or more comfortable when setting a boundary.

Boundaries simply state what is and is not okay. This is one of the truest versions of self-care and helps ensure that the right things are focused on in the right way.

The key is HOW the boundaries are set. Be clear, respectful and open to questions. Most of the time, people will be thankful for the clarity and appreciate the rarity of seeing someone ask for what they need.

Tips for Setting Boundaries

  • Get comfortable knowing that everyone can’t be pleased.
  • Understand and learn from your reaction when someone sets boundaries with you.
    • Chances are it doesn’t end the relationship, and doing the same with someone else won’t end the relationship either.
  • Think about the context of a request before deciding if it is something you can take on. Ask:
    • Is it something that will benefit me and/or the relationship?
    • Does it require my skills, or can anybody do it?
    • Is it something that won’t interrupt other priorities?
  • Offer another approach:
    • Offer to help without necessarily providing advice or feedback unless requested.
    • Offer to teach but don’t offer to do. Show them how to do something so they can do it themselves in the future.
  • Recommend someone else. This might just be the opportunity someone else needs to develop new skills.
  • Don’t apologize for saying no.
  • HOW you say something is just as important as WHAT you are saying. For example:
    • It sounds interesting, but taking it on would mean that I wouldn’t complete XX, so I’m unable to give it the attention it deserves.
    • Thank you for thinking about me for this. I wish I could help, but unfortunately, I have to decline this time.
  • Give the answer that is best for you.

People who set boundaries gain respect by showing others their time is valuable and allowing themselves to have healthier, more meaningful relationships. What is the best part of setting boundaries? Saying no to some things means saying YES to others!